We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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