Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
