my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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