I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Randomize
