Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
