Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
