I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Panties = found
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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