After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
