Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
