Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Randomize
