this beer tastes like vomit already
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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