I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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