i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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