I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
