every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize