I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize