i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
