i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
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she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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