Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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