my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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