oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
