Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
