im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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