my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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