She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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