i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
