You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
