so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
