Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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