Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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