I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
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I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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