everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Randomize
