I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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