my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
