I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
