Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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