I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
