I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dick very happy bro
Randomize
