i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I need moral support for this bender
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Can you bring me the toilet please
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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