On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
