Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Randomize
