Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
