Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
