I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What drink are we having for lunch?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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