The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
