I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
