My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
