I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
