I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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