She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
