If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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