btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
