I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
