yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
